Looking back at the past, I have realized that I haven’t really changed much inside. I’m still the same confused boy, looking for an explanation for everything. Looking back at my past mistakes, there were some that made me sink so deep in regret that I never thought I could ever forgive myself for screwing up that bad. I guess growing up offers the opportunity of reflecting on past mistakes and learning from them.
Looking back, I guess I was a selfish person and the bigger fault in it was that I didn’t realize it. I thought I was doing things for other people, but the truth is that I have been doing it all to make myself feel important. I used to think that I was better than some people I knew, only to realize that most people don’t really think I’m special in any way.
I used to think that life has no real meaning. I used to believe that living meant chasing after all the things that would make me happy. Well it wasn’t my fault, I mean who doesn’t want to be happy right? But I guess I have been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I have been trapped in my own fantasy world for so long that I have lost track of reality.
What is reality anyway? My reality right now is that I have to do a number of things that I don’t really want to do. I am betting on things that are closer to impossible, rather than grasping every bit of real opportunity that comes my way. Am I the fool for keeping such dreams or am I truly someone who can break through the chains that keep me in place?
I just want to understand. I want to stop being confused. I want to be able to see the light. I want to be the light. Truth be told, I don’t know what I’m trying to say in this article. There are just days that I get so lost in my own thoughts and get mixed emotions that it’s really hard to come up with something coherent and for this I apologize, my dear reader.
By the way I made a friend today. Someone who is somewhat similar to me, but also very different. I’m holding on to that person from here on out. Real friends are so hard to find in this harsh place, and each friend I find is like a treasure worth keeping for a very long time. I hope to find more friends in the future. Thanks for reading through my madness.