This is my own account of the events that happened surrounding my father’s death. He died this Sunday morning, November 6 around 3-5:30am. This is for my own closure, read at your own risk.
My father was supposed to have a knee-replacement surgery the next morning, November 7. He was very nervous, very anxious about the whole thing that he keeps telling us that he just wants to have it massaged and skip the surgery. Us, who understood his condition more than he did, tried to explain to him over and over that without the surgery, he won’t be able to keep walking for long.
Yes, we understood it more than he does for he was deaf and mute. As I once mentioned in my article Saying I Love You Without Saying I Love You, he was the most stubborn person I knew, but he was deeply loved and cared for. We did what we could, me, my uncle and my aunt who all lived under the same roof.
We served him food every day, sometimes to the point of cutting it up into small, bite-sized pieces for him. We would come whenever he called. We tried to explain to him that there is no cause of worry about the surgery he was having, and that he would be allowed to go back home to his wife, my mother, once he is all healed up and fully recovered.
Still, no amount of service and explaining would be enough to cure his anxiety. Funny thing about him is he knows we care about him and he uses it against us. He would refuse to eat the food we serve him, only to eat alone when nobody’s around to see him eat. We know this for sure because we would sometimes catch him on the act and his face turns into that of a kid caught stealing cookies.
I would admit though that as human as I am, I sometimes lost patience with him and complained about his behavior. I was mad at him for making it hard for us to take care of him. Whether I was wrong for being mad at him or not, I leave it to your judgement and I accept any reaction whatsoever.
The night before he died, I went to my cousins’ place to hangout. We had plans to hangout that day, but had to postpone it because my other cousin was sick. But because I was mad and needed to vent, I opted to go to their place and just get pizza. I complained about him. I felt like I didn’t want to see him that night. I left him alone.
I had so much fun and shared laughs with my two cousins. It was so much fun that I stayed there until about two in the morning and got home around two thirty. I felt a bit hungry so I cooked something in the kitchen and ate. After that I went upstairs to sleep at around three. I wanted to check on him, but I did not to my eternal regret.
About five in the morning, my uncle woke me up yelling loudly. I was irritated of course but something must be up so I slowly got up and went downstairs and the first thing my uncle told me was “your dad may be dead” and I looked behind him, and my dad was there, lying down by the kitchen door as if asleep.
He was still warm and soft. I checked his pulse on his wrist and nothing. Then I checked his pulse on the neck and nothing. I listened to his heart placing my ear on his chest and nothing. My father was dead. I was frozen. Should I cry? Should I shake him up until he wakes up? Should I pinch myself to wake up from this nightmare? Thoughts raced to my head so fast I couldn’t catch up.
We moved him back to his bed. My uncle didn’t know what to do either so he called an aunt who told him to call 911. He did, and the person on the other line instructed me to lay him back on the floor and provide CPR. I know how to do CPR as a registered nurse, but I somehow became dumb that moment. The police and firemen came minutes later, asked questions, and pronounced him dead.
It was a storm of thoughts. I know I had to call my mother whom I have ignored for so long and tell her what happened, but I didn’t want to call of a sudden in months only to tell her that the love of her life is dead. I did not until my uncles and aunts told me to. It was painful to just dial the number. In fact, I didn’t even have her number and had to look through old Facebook messages. I was a bad son.
I didn’t want to deal with the pain. It was something I never felt my entire life. If I could describe it, I’d say it’s like having a body part taken away that you can’t ever take back. It’s like a sinking, stabbing pain in the chest that cannot be healed. I had to go out. I had to have fun. I had to cover the hole with something, somehow. The days after my father’s death may also be the most fun days of my life.
I asked cousins to take me to places. I spent the most money I ever spent in my life and did things and bought things. I wanted to make myself happy. But the funny thing is, no amount of fun could seal the hole in my heart. It all comes back to me time and time again, reminding me that it’s never gonna be better, that it’s never gonna be the same again.
Fast forward to yesterday at his viewing. He looked great. The mortuary people did a good job. The person who led the prayers did it so well that even a non-believer such as myself felt it. He got the best service any dead person could have, with what his siblings could afford and for that I am thankful. Still, he would have looked better alive than dead.
I regret being mad at him that night. I regret not wanting to see him that night. I regret not checking on him when I got home. I regret ever leaving that night. I wish I could have done better. I wish I could have done more. I wish I should have, I wish I could have, I wish I would have. But no amount of regret and wishing would ever bring him back. My pain will never disappear.
I will never see him again. As a true Pantheist I know and accept that he is gone as a person and all that is left is the shell of what he once was. I believe that he will be recycled in nature, that his components aren’t lost but merely dispersed throughout the universe to be reused. The old must eventually give way to the new. It is no consolation at all, but it’s what I believe to be true.
All I have to do is move forward and do the most good I can in this world, keeping in mind that everyone including me will one day leave the realm of the living. Humans can choose how they want to live their lives, and I choose to live my life knowing that everyone has a limit. We do not get to live forever. We do not get a second chance at life. This is it so we have to live it to the fullest.
I am patching things up with my mother. I am living a healthy life. And, if given an opportunity, I wish to take part in Thanatology research. Thanatology, for those who don’t know, is the science of death. I wish to understand and possibly help humans deal with this kind pain because losing someone forever gives pain beyond compare. Whether it happens or not is up to time and fate.
Everything has and end. Everyone has an end. Rather than running away from it, we should embrace it. In my opinion, knowing that you and everything you ever loved will one day disappear will let you think of how you should live your life. I am embracing my own mortality and I only wish to do the most good I can in this world.
Thank you so much for reading. This is in honor of Raul Fernando. Father, Husband, Brother, Uncle, Friend, Human.
I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend. I grew up around death and funeral homes, and so often it comes when we least expect it and someone is left holding regrets. Your words are heartwrenching and inspiring all at once. I appreciate you taking the time to share them. Having read your posts over the past few months, I know the questions you have contemplated about life, meaning, purpose, and existence. I pray that through this challenging circumstance you will encounter more wisdom about the things you seek and that your faith will grow. My deepest sympathies. I fear I may soon share a similar experience. Life is so stressful and long some days, then you look back and realize it went by so fast. Blessings to you my friend
thank you so much my friend. i know right? i’ve been contemplating life and death and i get a first-hand experience. life is full of surprises and not all of them are pleasant but that’s life i guess. again, thank you my friend…
Words can’t express your feelings I’m sure, it seems obvious you loved him much. From my experience, it’ll only hit you much later, and you just have to keep caring the fire inside you and live a life he would’ve been proud of.
yes. funny thing is i lost track of time and got the date wrong. it was on the 6th, not the 13th as i originally wrote. it’s not some typo or simple error though, i only know he died on a sunday and i thought it was just last week.it’s just so fresh.thank you for sharing your piece.
I am sorry about your Dad. I know losing someone we love even if we may have disagreed with, hurts. This made my eyes misty, you speak with deep sincerity, not afraid to share what you percieve as your faults. We are all human and learning and growing from our experiences. When my 18 year old nephew suddenly passed away 6 years ago, I became acutely aware of the temporary nature of life, and live with this awareness. I do not take life for granted these days. Your Dad gave you and your Mom the gift of getting to know each other again.
My deepest symphaties to you and loved ones. You are an amazing human being in now thinking of helping those who grieve.
thank you so much sufi!
Sorry to hear of your loss John. Your story should remind us all that we should never be so selfish that we ignore the people closest to us, especially when they need it most. Take your enthusiasm to help others who lose family members and/or loved ones and do good things with it. That way, your father’s spirit will always be alive through you. Peace.
Thanks…
I’m sorry to hear about your father my friend, I know for sure that he’s in heaven looking over you.
I guess you can say that…thanks!
I’m so sorry to read about your loss and send you peace, love, and blessings… My condolences to your family…
Thank you…
Very powerfully written, thanks for sharing, I applaud your courage, I know it must have been hard to write. Keep your head up!
thanks
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.
I’ve read through several of your other posts and I want you to know that I’m lifting you up in prayer. You are loved unconditionally by God. What is truth? What is the point? Truth is that God loves you and the point is that he wants to call you his child. No earthly thing will ever answer or fill the emptiness and questioning you express in your writing. If you’re open to finding truth, I’m confident you will find it. “Seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you.” For now, hear that I love you with a love not my own and desire to see real peace in your life.
i appreciate your kindness, thank you…