This is for you, the one who used to be The One. This is for my own peace. This is for everyone involved. This is for everyone who want to be involved. This is for everyone who knew. This is for everyone who want to know. After this, there will no longer be anything for you.
This is for You…
I loved you. No, I still love you. But like I once said, once you make that choice, I will never go back to you even if the pain kills me and this is it. Yes, I am in pain, but I also know that this will pass and I will come out of this stronger and wiser just like you were able to let your pain pass and have come out strong enough to be with someone new and wise enough to know that there’s nothing to expect from me anymore. I hope you never regret your choice and I wish you the best.
I remember the last few weeks we had together before I left. It was a lot of fun. It was meant to be a set of good memories that will make us think twice if we ever thought about saying goodbye. It was supposed to be something we would go back to and do all over again once I come back home to you, but now it’s all just memories of how good it was when we were together, and of how things could have been if we held on to each other.
True, our relationship wasn’t perfect. We had our downs just as we had ups. We had points where we wanted to almost kill each other. There were moments when I swore I’d rather die than be without you, and there were a few times when it almost came true. Yes, I faced death a number of times for what I thought was for my love, but those days of being stupid are over. Yes, in retrospect it was very stupid and I’ll never sink to that low ever again.
This is for all to see…
I once told her that she was the love of my life. That if we ever found ourselves living separate lives, nothing would ever change the fact that she was the love of my lifetime. That even in the event that I find someone new, I would never love anybody more than I have ever loved her and this I believe will hold true, simply because I’ll never let myself fall in love with someone else enough to be devoid of logic as I once were with her. This time my heart and mind will work together, not ignoring each other.
With all that said, I still wish for her happiness. I never thought I could ever love any person as much as I loved her. I never thought it was truly possible to fall in love with the same person over and over. She let me experience how married life was like, though we weren’t really married. I had my precious daughter with her, and for now, she is going to be taking care of her while I get my life back together and I could only hope that she does her job well as a mother.
She was my goddess. I don’t have enough self-confidence to say that I’m an attractive guy and I’m not wealthy either but I always felt fortunate to have such a beautiful woman with me. To those who haven’t met her, she is known in our town for her beauty. I guess that was also what worked against me. As soon as I left, the deterrent for other men left, and her loneliness probably pushed her to seek comfort in the arms of another.
I’m not really surprised that she found someone new. With such beauty few men would be able to resist. But in the same token, I am certain that she would never in her lifetime find someone who would ever even come close to how I made her feel loved. I don’t mean to brag and this is not to spite her, but I am certain that I have set the standard for anyone else who comes after me. Everyone will always be compared to me inside her mind, simply because I am the only one who could ever love her as much. Period.
For replacing me with someone else I don’t blame her. She has always been the type who needs someone beside her all the time and unfortunately I couldn’t be that guy. Yes, my fault was leaving in the first place. But it wasn’t for me, it was for her and our sweet little girl. I had to leave in order for us to have financial security. I had to leave to give us all a better future and that better future could have been all hers if she only waited.
Yes, I forced her into a corner after my father died but what else could I do? When my father died I became the man, the breadwinner, the one responsible for my mother, as well as for my own self. There wasn’t anyone else, and after my father I had no one else but my mother – the mother I had to ignore in order to protect her. Yes, my mother disliked her and I protected her, but now I realized that my mother and everyone else who pointed out the things I ignored were right all along.
A wise man once told me that a lover can be replaced but a parent is irreplaceable. I ignored that before, just like I ignored all the signs and all the facts that were right in front of me because I was too deeply in love with her. I guess now that I think about it, I was madly in love and that was what held me back all those years. That was what held me back from everything that I could have achieved.
I realize all of that now. Yes, I am in pain and I’m dedicating some time and resources into mourning my loss but come Monday, and I am done dwelling in sadness and I am moving on. For the record, I wasn’t the one who said good bye and she knew everything I had to do, so I hope she has enough decency to not paint me as the devil in my daughter’s eyes because she is my treasure, or rather the one I intend to have all the treasure I’m building up through the years to come.
I am a different person now than what I once was. I have learned to love myself. I have realized how much I am loved and cared for by my mother and by the Fernando clan. I have met people who have showed me how much better my life could be if I just used my potential. I have realized that I have so much potential in me, all of which I was too busy taking care of her to see for myself.
Like I once said, I am moving forward until all of this pain is nothing but a memory. Nothing good would ever come if I keep living my life in retrospect. The past is the past. She is the past and I have a whole future ahead of me. My life does not depend on her, and my world does not revolve around her. I am free and I have a lot of potential. Now I can be whoever and whatever I want to be. I can shape my life according to how I want it to be, and I can build the future according to my own potentials and nobody is holding me back now.
To you, my dear reader, this might seem a bit bitter and it is. This is my bitterness, but at the same time this is also my epiphany. I don’t really need to be with someone in order to be happy because I have realized that my happiness is determined by my own state of mind. I can live on and be happy with whatever I have or don’t have and whoever I’m with or without. My happiness no longer depends on whatever is outside of me, but what I have inside and what I have inside is enlightenment.
All that has ever happened and all that will ever happen is fate and looking at my life in retrospect, the general trend is that it has always been better and I know now that this will all be better if I just keep moving forward. Again, I’ll keep moving forward until all the pain is nothing but a memory. Thank you for being a part of my life. This is the end of our journey together. This is after all, My Last Goodbye…